Three years ago, I was sitting in church during a Mother’s Day service. The Pastor wished all the mother’s a Happy Mother’s Day and went on to state how we should be so thankful for all the loving mothers out there who sacrifice themselves to their families. I remember that morning so well, I remember the hot tears that flowed down my face. Embarrassed because I could feel people turn around to look at me, I tried to wipe them away but they just kept coming and I just couldn’t stop. My eyes were like a leaking faucet, and my pain was quite deep and noticeable.
You see, a few months prior I had lost my first child. The pain was so unbearable to me that I didn’t know what to do with myself, always feeling like I was missing something. I had lost a part of me that I felt I would never gain back. Every time I saw a child hold on to his or her mother’s hand, I would loose it. Every time a child spoke out “momma’ it was like a dagger to my heart. I wanted to be a mother more than anything in this world and I felt like this would never happen for me.
I miscarried at 10 weeks with no explanation given, no one told me why this happened…it just happened. For months, I questioned everything that I had done. What could I have done to prevent this? What did I do wrong? Was I being punished for something? I was hurt and angry at God that He could allow something like this to happen, even though I didn’t want to admit it – not even to myself. I wondered why for months until I just tried to let it go and give it to God but I wasn’t whole heartedly giving my burden to God.
We tried to conceive again, over and over and every time my period came – it was a new kind of pain and disappointment. I felt like I would never have a child, I would never be a mother. These thoughts would torture me and sent me in a depression where I would find myself crying all the time alone, to myself. I felt like I had no purpose and I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was being punished for some reason.
The months kept rolling by, and still no positive pregnancy test. It had almost been a year and I was only 24 years old…what was wrong with me? I had myself tested, and the Doctor’s said I was perfectly healthy. I started reading Genesis and got really into the story of Jacob and how he married Leah and her sister Rachel. Because God saw that Leah was unloved by her husband, He made Rachel barren so that Leah could bare a child for Jacob, and then this specific verse got me:
Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and enabled her to conceive. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, “God has taken away my disgrace.”
-Genesis 30: 22-23
I started balling like a baby, this verse convicted me and at the same time gave me such incredible hope. It was as if God was reaching out to me to tell me, “trust me.” It wasn’t until that point where I finally surrendered to God. I prayed to him during the whole painful process but I didn’t let my wall down until I finally just gave Him the burden. I asked for forgiveness and begged and pleaded to Him. I prayed to God, telling him I would try to be the best mother in my power and how much I would love that child. That weekend, I got a positive pregnancy test.
I was thrilled, but still scared because I had just had a miscarriage with my last pregnancy so I approached everything with caution. Now I have a healthy, rambunctious little boy named Alijah and he is my world.
You see, with my first pregnancy – me and my husband were not in a situation where we could properly provide for a child. We were renting a room in a house and were trying to save up to purchase a home. We didn’t conceive until we were actually in that home. But God had another plan for us: we were relocating to a new state. As per a previous post, we moved to Washington state when I was 7 months – almost 8 months pregnant for a job opportunity that my husband had. We are still here and are now in a position where the Lord has blessed our family and I can stay home with my child. Something I never imagined I could ever do. Also during this time opened an Etsy shop and also worked part time from home.
God knew what He had in store for us and although I suffered through a tragic loss, God not only blessed me with a son – He has blessed my womb once more and I am pregnant with my second child. Something, again that I never imagined I would achieve. All I can say is that, whatever you may be going through right now may be very painful. But you don’t know what lies ahead, God has something for you. He has a plan for each and every one of us:
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Once I stopped trying to take total control of my life, stopped worrying and started to let go and “let God”…that was when I gained everything. Trusting God can be a scary thing but I guarantee that once you do it, the blessings will overflow and you will be healed. God will bless you more than you can ever imagine.